It’s strange the levels people will drop to just to keep in the loop with other people. In this case, bullying it seems. Making my depression worse.
How pathetic some people become. Bullying being the most. Can stop it now though. Seeing as that’s happened, gives me more freedom to say it doesn’t it.
I mean, everything started 3 years ago, but I found a way out late on in 2010, saved actually, stopped me from doing something incredibly stupid. I was given a reason to stick around. Not hard to think or know what the reason was.
So for nigh on one year the depression subsided because of something that saved me from doing something stupid.
But early this year changed it all again. Taking hit after hit to protect those around me, it all surfaced again. And since then it has all gotten worse. The past 4 months are the worst it has ever been. Awful to think for anyone that the ones people think will always be nice, civil, tend to be the ones that take the piss first. And they haven’t half hit me hard. Family, and people who I thought were close did it. Family realised what was going on. Those who I assumed were close, continue to the day, threats being put my way. It’s rather hurtful and is making me feel worse.
I changed who I was as a person and how I acted, everything, to fit in with what saved my life, in the hope what saved me would continue. Distancing from everybody, which I hugely regret. Look where that has gotten me. I have never felt worse, and is now part of why it is getting progressively worse.
More recently this year, around 4 months ago, and still ongoing now, some people who I can only assume I have never even met or even had a conversation with, are passing off some stupid, wrong judgements and making up stuff about me.
Things going round like, I’m ‘psychotic’, ‘crazy’, and even as much as I am ‘going’ to a ‘psychiatric hospital’ for my depression. Just to name a couple things said. I am now at the point where I don’t even want to leave my room, every single morning, due to the shit that some have said. It has ruined school for me, and my life outside it.
I’m not going to lie about not thinking of doing something silly again, as I have, because of them. There have been days where I am not going to lie about, where I have wanted to just, walk out in the middle of the road. They now have that on their shoulders, their hands, and their conscience, until the day they come clean.
I’ve been contemplating leaving school for a while now due to it. And even if I don’t get on a college course, I will probably still leave.
Of course I’d love to see who these people are before I go, just to ask why they did this. If it was for kicks, or for attention, or to stay in favour with others. As they probably know just how awful they’ve made my life, and School. I’m sure their parents would be very proud people knowing they’re driving someone out of school with bullying, and ruining their life.
However it’s dealt with won’t change it. But it may let them feel some guilt and realise how hard it hit me. I’m more than sure I have more than enough to say about these people when I do find out who they are. I just want to be able to go out and not have some nobody talk shit about me. As it was better before when they probably weren’t around, or in the school.
With the inability to actually speak up, as this knocked me down so much, confidence, self-esteem at absolute zero. I took it for months. But now, I finally found a little confidence to say something. So, the way it’s going the people who did it are going to be found out, and after that, I don’t have a clue what will happen. As all I wanted was to speak up. Whatever happens after, is because of what they said about me.
Maybe after all this, the people who did it will actually gain some self-respect and respect for others, and actually say something for ruining school and everything else for me. Whilst they hide it and joke on like nothing’s been said and done to me. If not, I’ll probably ask them myself. Maybe, I’ll finally be able to subside the depression, the silly thoughts about doing silly things because of this, because of them, again, and stop with all this. If not, I have no clue what’ll happen.
But it’s because of them now. I don’t know who they are, but they know what they’re doing, before long it’ll eat away at them like it has me for months on end, non-stop.
My depression began to ‘show’ when I had just turned 14. I’m 18 in two weeks. Nearly 4 years of this. I thought I had rid of it. But these people, can’t stand someone trying to be happy it seems. They’d prefer to drive someone into thinking these things. Destroying their life. I honestly do not know what to do any more. The Morning After every day of shit I get, the less I want to be here on this earth every day. 8 months I could have spent dealing with my depression, but dealt with other things protecting those who I thought cared, and family, that seemed more important at the time, taking hit after hit so those didn’t have to take the hits themselves. And look what happened, the hits hit a lot harder than ever expected, a huge regression because of it, and a Doctor’s appointment every Tuesday. Maybe if they owned up before this was getting sorted in this way, I wouldn’t be sitting here with these strange thoughts because of them, every single day.