A thanks, a big one

As most people know, I’ve been ill the last few months, for a variety of reasons which most people know too. For around 6 months, I literally felt like ‘what’s the point?’ to put it in a simple way, and led to me working myself up and getting a stress-related stomach virus. I lost over four stone, and weighed 6 stone 3 at my lowest back in July. Luckily some people at the time took me aside, and nicely said that I wasn’t looking healthy, and I wasn’t feeling it either. I was like a bag of bones to be honest. Wish I had a picture to show how thin my face was.

But nowadays, the past couple of months, I have felt a whole lot happier, and still do. And now, I feel healthier again. I’ve gained all the weight back, and even a little more, close to 5 stone I’ve gained. And it sounds rather corny, but, I wouldn’t be healthy, happy, and still even in school if it wasn’t for some of the people around me. Friends especially. Nobody changed how they acted round me which was exactly what I wanted, and I slowly got back up to the speed of things, and for that, I’ve got to say a huge thanks. I annoyed people a while back with my moping, sorry about that, but I’m alright now, and the John that everybody knew is pretty much back. I don’t know how to repay each and every one of them but I’ll find a way somehow. Close friends, old friends, and people who’d never spoken to me before helped me out in more ways than one, so thanks for that, I’d not be here now if it wasn’t for them.

But I still cant ignore that two years today I was stopped/saved while I was away in Australia in 2010. I don’t even need to say who it was, as many’ll know straightaway who it will have been. They saved me, and made me feel like I’m worth a little at least. I’m always going to be in debt to them for that. Just have to repay it in any way I can. And now, I’m even happier at the fact I’ve sorted things with them, it’s been a good christmas. And I hope it’s a good new year for them, everyone really. It’s a pretty good end to an eventful year like.

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Time for change.

I’m 18 in less than a day, so by those calculations, it’s been 9 months since this all regressed. And nearly 4 years since it started completely.

Like I’ve said before, I managed to get away from it for a year and a half, I thought last, and this year were the beginning of good, and change for me, obviously was wrong. Again, like said previously, I was quite literally saved back in 2010, and stopped from doing something incredibly unfortunate, and it’s not really difficult for anyone to know who stopped me. But, it doesn’t really make sense now when that’s what caused the regression of all this, and how much worse it is getting.

I’m 18 tomorrow, and want nothing more than to be ‘happy’ like I was over 4 years ago. But I’ve still got the usual, the things about me being ‘psychotic’, and ‘going to psychiatric hospital’ because of it are still going round. And now I’m pretty close to seeing who those people are through school. It’s time for a change, and the only way is to find out and confront these people.

That, as well as a Doctor’s appointment each Tuesday/Wednesday morning, now weekly psychiatrist appointments, are trying to help, but rarely do anything for me. I can’t change if something isn’t sorted. And some decided that even an apology was sarcastic, and were juvenile, and blocked me. Sad really, pretty much resolving things, and others interfere. Therefore further becoming the reason for me feeling worse.

And yet, these don’t seem to think anything of it. I can only assume they wish for attention with some things near to typing this, rather juvenile. And after everything, I bet they won’t even be mature enough and even wish me a happy birthday. But, that just shows, who they really are. Willing to hurt those around them, if it means getting something out of it for themself. And they know they’re hurting people. But those being hurt won’t admit anything, through pride. And then, they end up hurting themselves by going back to things they said never would, further breaking their own morals and self-respect. After being told ‘hate’ many times over. Ripping up of things. It’s only a matter of time before it comes full circle again and there’s the realisation of why it didn’t happen the other 10 or whatever times before.

I just wish any of those will be mature enough now to let me apologise and for me to be mature about it too, instead of rumours and blanking etc being spread.

Or just as important, those who spread stuff to admit it.

My birthday last year was easily my best, perfect for one reason, perfect night too. My 18th, was easily my worst, for the same reason. A bit of attention can change so much in people, and interference.

I hope those will allow me to resolve things, as still, a lot of things were messed up because of my current predicament of depression. It would make it more comfortable for others. Instead of just hiding that nothing has been done, and making me feel worse.

Few friends have said I’ve been ‘happier’ lately, which I guess is good, I don’t want to make it miserable. If I have been feeling particularly empty I’ve stayed off, as I don’t want to bring a mood down. Slowly getting there, then getting knocked back down, same people. Don’t get why. Would be nice to actually feel good again, leaving is still on the cards.

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Finally trying to…

It’s strange the levels people will drop to just to keep in the loop with other people. In this case, bullying it seems. Making my depression worse.

How pathetic some people become. Bullying being the most. Can stop it now though. Seeing as that’s happened, gives me more freedom to say it doesn’t it.

I mean, everything started 3 years ago, but I found a way out late on in 2010, saved actually, stopped me from doing something incredibly stupid. I was given a reason to stick around. Not hard to think or know what the reason was.

So for nigh on one year the depression subsided because of something that saved me from doing something stupid.

But early this year changed it all again. Taking hit after hit to protect those around me, it all surfaced again. And since then it has all gotten worse. The past 4 months are the worst it has ever been. Awful to think for anyone that the ones people think will always be nice, civil, tend to be the ones that take the piss first. And they haven’t half hit me hard. Family, and people who I thought were close did it. Family realised what was going on. Those who I assumed were close, continue to the day, threats being put my way. It’s rather hurtful and is making me feel worse.

I changed who I was as a person and how I acted, everything, to fit in with what saved my life, in the hope what saved me would continue. Distancing from everybody, which I hugely regret. Look where that has gotten me. I have never felt worse, and is now part of why it is getting progressively worse.

More recently this year, around 4 months ago, and still ongoing now, some people who I can only assume I have never even met or even had a conversation with, are passing off some stupid, wrong judgements and making up stuff about me.

Things going round like, I’m ‘psychotic’, ‘crazy’, and even as much as I am ‘going’ to a ‘psychiatric hospital’ for my depression. Just to name a couple things said. I am now at the point where I don’t even want to leave my room, every single morning, due to the shit that some have said. It has ruined school for me, and my life outside it.

I’m not going to lie about not thinking of doing something silly again, as I have, because of them. There have been days where I am not going to lie about, where I have wanted to just, walk out in the middle of the road. They now have that on their shoulders, their hands, and their conscience, until the day they come clean.

I’ve been contemplating leaving school for a while now due to it. And even if I don’t get on a college course, I will probably still leave.

Of course I’d love to see who these people are before I go, just to ask why they did this. If it was for kicks, or for attention, or to stay in favour with others. As they probably know just how awful they’ve made my life, and School. I’m sure their parents would be very proud people knowing they’re driving someone out of school with bullying, and ruining their life.

However it’s dealt with won’t change it. But it may let them feel some guilt and realise how hard it hit me. I’m more than sure I have more than enough to say about these people when I do find out who they are. I just want to be able to go out and not have some nobody talk shit about me. As it was better before when they probably weren’t around, or in the school.

With the inability to actually speak up, as this knocked me down so much, confidence, self-esteem at absolute zero. I took it for months. But now, I finally found a little confidence to say something. So, the way it’s going the people who did it are going to be found out, and after that, I don’t have a clue what will happen. As all I wanted was to speak up. Whatever happens after, is because of what they said about me.

Maybe after all this, the people who did it will actually gain some self-respect and respect for others, and actually say something for ruining school and everything else for me. Whilst they hide it and joke on like nothing’s been said and done to me. If not, I’ll probably ask them myself. Maybe, I’ll finally be able to subside the depression, the silly thoughts about doing silly things because of this, because of them, again, and stop with all this. If not, I have no clue what’ll happen.

But it’s because of them now. I don’t know who they are, but they know what they’re doing, before long it’ll eat away at them like it has me for months on end, non-stop.

My depression began to ‘show’ when I had just turned 14. I’m 18 in two weeks. Nearly 4 years of this. I thought I had rid of it. But these people, can’t stand someone trying to be happy it seems. They’d prefer to drive someone into thinking these things. Destroying their life. I honestly do not know what to do any more. The Morning After every day of shit I get, the less I want to be here on this earth every day. 8 months I could have spent dealing with my depression, but dealt with other things protecting those who I thought cared, and family, that seemed more important at the time, taking hit after hit so those didn’t have to take the hits themselves. And look what happened, the hits hit a lot harder than ever expected, a huge regression because of it, and a Doctor’s appointment every Tuesday. Maybe if they owned up before this was getting sorted in this way, I wouldn’t be sitting here with these strange thoughts because of them, every single day.

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After what, 4 months, last week I finally found some confidence to speak up, to both doctors, and now school.

Still contemplating leaving, thinking, if it isn’t sorted. But if all goes to plan, and the rumours roots are found, and stopped, then school life may actually be okay again. Life may not be as miserable. Hate sorting something like this, but at the same time, whoever started it may finally feel some guilt, about how they have made me feel.

They know who they are, but I don’t, but I probably will soon. Whoever it is, will not be tweeting happily, or talking about others after this, can guarantee that. Regardless of repercussions on myself, they’ll be knocked down a few pegs.

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I took a week off school in the hope it would help clear my head in some way. But, in reality all it has done is allow the problems to overwhelm me more.

I honestly give up.

The main reason, protagonist, they know who they are. Claims of having nothing to do with my depression. I am reluctant to say that is wrong. Rumours about me originated from these, which caused me to regress. I felt better for a while, and again, became the reason for this. Karma will play its part soon.

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Taking time out.

This is the first time I’ve turned on anything for a few days. If anyone has been contacting me, I am not ignoring you don’t worry! I hope this explanation will put any worries to bed.

At the weekend, I let’s put it this way, had a rather large breakdown. And realised, I need some time to myself to sort my head out. It’s not anybody who I’m close to’s fault. It’s those rumours about me and my depression that were so stupidly started a while back in school, the pressures, the depression, the weight problems, the taunting, bullying, from the select person(s), has all overwhelmed me at once again. They’ll feel what I feel someday, they know now, but hide it. I’m ‘fine’ to a certain extent. I just don’t feel comfortable anywhere but my own home at the minute. I am coming back to school, most likely this week, maybe even tomorrow if I actually get more than an hours sleep for once. Anybody who’s tried to contact me because they’re worried, you’re top people, I’ve got some brilliant mates like. And I greatly appreciate the care and compassion. You lot are the reason I’m still trying to carry on at school as best I can. It’s none of your faults, just I’m trying to get my head back at least a little bit. That’s to anyone who was bothered. I’m coming off the computer etc. after I post this, so speak soon to anyone.

(Will probably put an automatic share thing on the post so it pops up on the feed every so often for people to read if they were bothered.)

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Back to School.

So, tomorrow is the beginning of the end in a sense. The beginning of my last year in school. Where did all the time go? Seems that it was yesterday I was playing football for Stobhill First School.

I’m not going to take this last year for granted. I haven’t got time to do that. I don’t have time to do anything. I’d advise no one to take their school years for granted, because I’m guaranteeing, we all know how hard it gets after school.

This year, is the hardest year for a main reason, that it’s my A2 Levels. Can make or break an entire future.

Second reason, is that school plays in a huge, huge factor in the umbrella term of my depression. Everybody experiences stress from parents and teachers for exams. And no one likes that. Then there has been bullying from any amounts of people over the past few years, and Year 12 was easily the worst. Then, the bullying about my depression began, and the rumours about it. It has made me scared of school to tell the truth. I don’t really want to experience that this year, as to be truthful, it would probably end in me leaving school completely.

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Finally admitting something, something big.

Lately some may be seeing some kind of improvement in me, and that’s mainly down to a family member helping and a select few in my year that have been looking out for me, but I am far from fine, I’m just putting a brave face on to keep people happy.

Because in truth, people never see or hear me, but every night, and frequently for I don’t know how long, I have sat and cried my eyes out because of what I’ve become, and what I’ve let myself drop to, every night I get barely any sleep. Because I’ve been sitting, over-thinking just what I fucked up, and I just cry, until there’s nothing left. People may say this is pathetic or immature, I respect your opinion, but do not judge what you have not experienced yourself. Everything was perfect, and I ultimately fucked it up, as I do with everything that’s ever been good in my life.

I’m going to say something now, it will probably be more fuel for people to take the piss out of, or to spread more rumours, but I need to say this, to release a huge amount of pressure off of myself. I do not wish to be treated any differently by friends or anyone else after this, it doesn’t and shouldn’t change anything. I am still the John you know. Just take this on board, is all I am asking, thank you.

There have been times where I have wanted to end it all, multiple times. And by ending it, most of you will realise as in contemplating suicide. I have even gone as far as to almost completing it, being stopped. This is incredibly extreme I know, and many will think, why waste your life? Which I completely agree with. But the extent of pain I put family, and loved ones through at the extent of my problem, is unforgivable, and completely swallowed me up. I can’t shake this feeling of worthlessness, pointlessness, and that every single person that I’ve ever interacted with, would be so much better without me, or if I had never existed in the first place. At the lowest points, I literally felt, why waste my time when someone could be doing something so much more productive with life if I had never come into it. I still feel that in some aspects. This had been going round in my head for years, due to a combination of problems I have had to deal with. The depression being the biggest factor, it just makes me feel empty, and the past few months, is easily the worst that it has ever been. Second thing being my weight problems, I have always had a weight problem, mates will know. I had one person especially that was able to just say ‘oh you’re not too skinny’ and ‘you look fine, trust me’. It’s mainly to do with a high metabolism, meaning I burn more fat than I can gain really. And with the stomach problem I had in July 2012, I lost almost four stone in under three weeks. I weighed 6 stone 7 at my lowest point. I barely weigh 11 stone now, but I am still underweight for my height and age. Those two things combined with personal issues, and a combination of physical injuries I have had to cope with, injuries through no fault but my own, such as my broken hand and Knee ligament injury, or my progressively worse shoulder injury, which I actually, didn’t dislocate myself. Back in May last year, I had it popped out by someone. My knee injuries overwhelm me, I can’t deal with any of these problems when they hit me at once.

The first of which I thought about it was in Australia back in 2010, back in Sydney, on Bondi Beach. You’re probably thinking why Australia, when it’s such an amazing place. I was saved that time in 2010, if people think hard enough, they’ll realise and know who by. My family knows who by. The 29th of December 2010, I had a reason given to me to stop. The most recent times I thought of doing this, was around the time of a rough patch earlier in 2012, in January, when I was standing up for something. And in June, when I messed everything up in my life. Because everything that goes wrong around me, is always because of me. I feel worthless, my confidence is still at zero. I distanced myself from everybody that I love, friends, family, and have not got the mental, and physical strength to get back to where I was. I keep going for family, and the friends that still believe in me. Because right now, I still cannot believe in myself. I chose not to go through with what I was going to do, for those who care, because I couldn’t do that to any one, even if it means I could finally be relieved of every single thing that has gradually gotten me down more and more over the past 3 years.

I don’t feel like this so much any more, as some incredibly amazing people have been supporting me, and I can’t thank them enough for everything they are doing. Best friends, old friends, and new. Literally in this sense, I owe life to those people, who have even just bothered to ask how I am. Even once.

I don’t claim to be the only one with depression, or has had any similar thoughts, but this is my chapter of it.

So, yeah, I finally said something that’ll probably give those more to joke about, but I don’t mind, everyone is entitled to their views. But I have finally found some shred of dignity to say something about this, and I’ll respect anyone who wishes to make a view.

Phew. Huge weight off.

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Feeling uncomfortable.

The past few months, I have been becoming more and more ‘socially awkward’, friends will probably agree here. It’s mainly to do with my depression, but other factors play a part too. I don’t feel comfortable in any situation, whether it’s talking on twitter, facebook chat, texting, or talking in person, even with friends I used to have flowing conversations with.

I don’t claim to be the only one like this, I know I’m not, but it feels very empty when it is like this.

My confidence has been knocked severely, self-esteem is at nothing also, the feeling of worthlessness, feeling unwanted by many and being a burden to everyone else is very apparent too. The motivation to carry on every day is becoming less and less. Especially with trying to deal with those who continue to bully me on social networks, and through spreading pointless rumours in school. And with those who said they’d help, and did a runner when they couldn’t be arsed anymore. I find it harder and harder every day to believe in myself to actually recover from my stomach problem, the depression, my constant battle with weight problems, the stress. So it’s becoming ever harder to have belief in people now because I can’t believe in myself.

The tank is currently running on empty. Keeping a fake smile up for appearances isn’t going to work any more.

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Pushed around.

All my life there’s always been one, or a select few that try to control and manipulate me. No exception here. And stupidly, I do anything and everything for them. Being selfless. I myself have never stooped to such a level to make people do things.

The ones who do it now know they’re doing it to me. It’s bad enough I have immature people taking the piss on twitter about my depression, they don’t understand how low I really am lately.

I won’t say anything that needs to be said about the select individuals, if they stop. If not, everything, and anything will be divulged.

I’ve had enough, and cannot take it any more. Before my time, they’ll feel what I feel.

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